I’m writing this as tears are falling down my face. Do you know that feeling when everything goes so well and you are so happy about everything that is going on? You are so excited about life and feel that finally, you’re at the place you’ve always wanted to be. Your best friend surprises you with a phone call in the morning and you chat for 1,5 hours, left feeling so fulfilled that despite being away from home, you have someone there caring about you. Feels amazing.
And then a few hours later, all of a sudden, out of nowhere I start crying. Everything seems so heavy. I feel as though I am lost somewhere. I don’t understand the people around me as well as they don’t understand me. I can’t be my honest and straightforward self because I don’t want to appear rude. Everyone is so kind and friendly at first but honestly, they don’t give a fuck about you. I hate this superficial small talk culture. Even my housemates must think I’m a freak sitting quietly in my room all day. I feel so confused because I am supposed to be outgoing and meet new people but I don’t want to. I only want to focus on myself and my educational journey, not spend my precious time talking about the weather. I miss home.
I love Estonia so much. Everything is so simple and accessible there. Everything is familiar. I am a rather confident person but here I feel like I’ve lost it. I feel like I have to start building it up from scratch again. And I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t have the necessary connections for my career by the time I graduate. I know it’s the third week yet but still, I am more afraid than I have ever been in my life. Being frightened of spiders etc is nonsense for me. I’m scared at the level where I start questioning whether I’m going to end up as lonely as Gabrielle Chanel focusing entirely on my career.
I was going to apply for jobs to do something parallel o university. But I’m already so frustrated about the system. Why does everything have to be so difficult in here?? A CV and cover letter are not enough. You have to fill in long forms and answer loads of questions. Also, intimidated by the fact that it is not European citizen friendly at all. I have to have UK number, bank account, previous work experience, reference letter etc. Drives me mad.
I thought I am gonna be going out every day of the Freshers’ Week but in reality, I got sick of it on the third day already. I am just so tired of this constant agitation. Both my body and mind are in stress. I know it is going to get better. Just bear with me through the first living abroad emotions. Kind of similar feelings as in the last post but that’s just how it is.
Updating a few hours later, this time feeling fulfilled with energy and motivation after talking to my other best friend (my friends are my treasure, you know). I can be a fully independent person but there are times where you need someone else to tell you that you have so much potential in you and you’re going to be fine. It makes hard times so much more bearable to talk to someone who is so keen about their goals that you get so excited about your own goals as well. With some ups and downs, I’m gonna find my way through it and be stronger than ever.