I realized that it’s becoming a routine that every second Saturday I cry. I don’t know if it’s overthinking or is my tension tolerance just maximum 2 weeks. This and last Wednesday I attended street dance society taster sessions which were so much fun and surprisingly, not even that difficult. So, what happened?
On Saturday I took part in the novice audition because you know, in the taster sessions, they said you don’t need any previous dancing experience. That’s the meaning of novice. So I went in, pretty confident from Wednesday, learned altogether a routine and performed in groups of 5. I was doing my best and thinking that we’re all just beginners so it doesn’t have to be perfect. Because, to be honest, today was not my day in terms of dancing. But since we’re all beginners, it’s alright… right?! Well, I was wrong. I swear all these girls were either born with a talent or had experience since kindergarten. At that moment, seeing them dance, I wanted to cry. I mean, if you think you’re beginners then who am I?? Furthermore, they gave another chance for those who felt they really messed up. And the same girls were up again. Like what??? What did you mess up? Your ponytail wasn’t tight enough?
Don’t get me wrong, I am not a mean person. I just hate injustice. Or maybe it’s just the fact that I am so used to always being amongst the best that seeing other people succeed knocks me off. I’m being honest with you. If you were or still are struggling at school, you are lucky. I have been an extremely success orientated person since I was a child. That meaning, I have really high standards for myself and if I fail to meet those standards, I’m disappointed in myself. Imagine this as standing on the very tip of the iceberg so that even a slight wind can knock you over. It is much safer to be in the middle of the iceberg. Think about it the next time you’re struggling to be better – you’re still gonna be struggling when you reach the top.
And then I came home – very sad and disappointed in myself. My lovely housemates invited me to watch X-Factor with them. But guess what, I said no. Walked up the stairs to my small ‘cave’ and the question in my head is “why am I like this?” Why do I turn down people who would make me feel better right now and relieve my loneliness? Maybe deep down I know that no-one other than myself can actually do that. I am on my own and even if it puts so much freaking weight on me, it is the best way to make me grow as a person. As Diana Vreeland said: “I think when you’re young, you should be a lot with yourself and your sufferings.” (If you don’t know who she was – an innovative and vivid fashion editor in Vogue during the 60s.)
To end it up on a more positive note – I am fulfilled with motivation regarding the university. Every day I wake up feeling incredibly grateful that I can learn the things I’m interested in. Going to school is actually pleasant. Interesting assessments keep me occupied from morning till night. Slowly falling back into a routine again. Feels amazing to have my life organized and busy. I promised myself to spend the time here developing myself both mentally and physically. I enjoy learning, reading and having proper goals. I joined the gym and I’ll still join the street dance society just to have fun, spending 1 hour of my week dancing.
I hope you don’t assume that my life is a constant suffering. I feel like the positive things are so boring to write about because most of my life is like that. It is so much more interesting to share the challenges that I have to face (especially on Saturdays, haha). So, no need to worry about me. I feel as good as before when I have put all my thoughts on (virtual) paper.